Tag Archives: babies

Coping with a failed IUI

Nearly three weeks ago I went through my first insemination and have waited anxiously since to learn if a little babe was growing inside me or not. Unfortunately, the insemination was not successful.

I knew embarking on this journey could be a long one filled with disappointment. In all my counseling sessions and fertility specialist appointments, we talked at length about how to prepare myself for the possibility that the first, second, or even third attempt may not work given the low success rates for intrauterine insemination.

With fertility drugs, the chances of success are only 20% while insemination without fertility drugs is 14%. I opted not to use fertility drugs since it is so much more expensive and because it dramatically increases your chances of having twins or multiples. Plus, I’m 28. I should be fertile myrtle right now, right?

Knowing the realities and success rates of insemination, I was relentless in charting my cycle for months beforehand. I knew my peak fertility days. I knew when I ovulated. I knew the precise time I needed to have the insemination done to maximize the chances of the sperm meeting the egg.

I did everything right. And yet, it did not work.

Why? I don’t know but I have faith it will happen when it is supposed to.

That being said, I’m acutely aware that when I feel disappointment, I feel it deeply. Therefore, I want to give myself the time and space to work through this disappointment and lean into the worst feelings of confusion, frustration and heartache. If living with a mental illness has taught me anything, it’s that being honest and genuine in my sadness is a way to show compassion towards myself and practice self-care.

Many months ago, my psychiatrist and I made a plan on the steps I would take to manage disappointment if the procedure was not successful. It was a simple one. Cry it out. Take a break from ovulation kits and charting and doctors appointments for at least one complete cycle before trying again. And travel somewhere new because the world waits to delight in you.

I cried. I put away my ovulation kits and chart. And I booked a trip to Paris (I will be soaking in Parisian food, art and culture in just a few short weeks!).

My desire to be a mom is so strong and while I’m certainly disappointed, I’m still optimistic.

Fingers crossed for round 2!


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Filed under babies, Choice Mom, disappointment, donor insemination, IUI

Journey to baby

Growing up, I assumed I’d get married and have children. As I’ve progressed through my 20s, though, my attitude towards marriage is more of ambivalence and genuine disinclination than desire. On the other hand, my desire to be a mom has been unwavering.

While I would love to share the experience of raising a child, I haven’t yet found a compatible partner to share my life with and I don’t know when that will happen. I also don’t want to get married just for the sake of having a kid; it wouldn’t be the right decision for me or my child and in many ways I feel I would be robbing him/her of something special.  

And so, after a year of researching the choice mom movement and working to reach a healthy place in my recovery, I have made the conscious and deliberate decision to parent on my own via donor insemination.

The motivation behind this decision has nothing to do with the ticking biological clock so many women talk about (I am only 28, after all) nor does it have anything to do with believing there isn’t a compatible partner out there for me (I have faith there is and hopefully one day I’ll meet him).

What my choice to be a mom does have everything to do with is LOVE.

To be able to bring a child into this world and wrap my arms around them fills my heart with so much joy and peace. I am ready emotionally, spiritually, and financially to do this and I don’t want to wait. 

I am aware that being a single mom is not easy. You are everything all of the time and not having someone there to co-parent will be overwhelming and hard. I know this. But the one thing every single parent out there has told me is that it is all worth it.

Over the last week, I’ve been able to share my decision with several family members and close friends after getting the go-ahead from my psychiatrist. While I prepared myself for both positive and negative reactions, I am thankful they have all shown me unconditional support and are genuinely excited for me.

My first consultation visit with the fertility specialist is in two weeks and in 4-6 months I will undergo my first insemination. I know this journey will be an emotional and sometimes challenging one, but knowing I am not alone means the world to me.

I am so blessed!

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Filed under Choice Mom, donor insemination, Uncategorized